Summer Breeze

Here we are.  The end of August, the end of Summer.  While in Socal it seems as if the summer never ends, there is a turn in the wind, the leaves, and the overall feeling that this season passes by more swiftly than the rest.

It’s been quite a few years that I’ve had to anticipate a long summer break, or revel in the excitement of school starting with fresh school supplies and back-to-school clothes.  Nevertheless I still go on a shopping spree for myself to celebrate September.  Along with a fresh haircut, new shoes and fresh pencils (we all should be using pencils more, no?).

I, too, have been spending the summer vacations as best I can.  A weekend here, long weekend there, a week in Hawaii, a beach trip here, beer garden there.  Hot summer nights lying in bed with just your underwear on, feeling the summer breeze pass by your skin that is sticky sweet with the season’s humidity.  Most nights we run the cool air that is central within our condo, but some nights, when it’s just cool enough to leave the windows open, we leave them wide open.  An occasional car passes by, but mostly – just the summer breeze through the plants that reside next to our windows.  They have been taken care of, and breathe in and out with the air that passes through them.  Nature gives off it’s own green scent that helps me sleep at night.  An almost silent, rotating tower fan brings in the breeze to softly cool us to sleep (and keep us soundly asleep).

This summer hasn’t been too bad.  Yes, hot.  Yes, a bit of humidity.  But unlike last year, we’ve had more of this Summer Breeze than in the past years.  It’s still been hot, but there’s been relief.  We are lucky to have central AC, but we also make it a point to open our windows as often as possible.  We also have taken advantage of our pool time and I have been wearing shorts and tank tops more than I ever have in my entire life.

Perhaps that’s what has been keeping me so cool… I finally took my pants off.

It hasn’t been an easy summer, to say the least.  This year started off on a weird foot and unfortunately it can take a whole year to get back to something better.  I’m grateful for all of the things I have gone through and am still dealing with (mentally and physically), but I’m ready to move onward into a better year to come.  Only a few months now and it will be 2017.  The way this world seems to turn faster each year, only makes me think that as we get older we lose a concept of time.  We get too busy, too occupied, too overwhelmed with things that weigh us down.  It takes a lot of time to overcome these things.  To overcome the negative aspects of life that just seem to get ahold as soon as we walk out our front doors.

Recently, I’ve been watching people move and change their lives to make a change.  Sometimes I think I need that change, desperately.  Sometimes I have to remind myself to be patient.  But then sometimes it feels like the easiest thing to do is just walk away.  I’m in a holding pattern, but this summer breeze has reminded me that most things eventually come to a close.  Seasons and events in life change, and at the very least – time doesn’t stop.  And it won’t stop for you.

Neither will this photo dump.  Beware, it’s the whole summer (in a nutshell of mosaics).




AUGUST (so far…)

Summer.. she keeps passing me by.  But I’ll remember that Summer Breeze of 2016.. we’ll see what Fall and Winter bring..

Love, from – Pantless Sarah


The Daria Complex

(Wednesday, July 6, 2016)

After weeks (WEEKS, months!) of stormy days and stormy nights, I feel like the worst of it has passed and there’s the onset of a breeze that suggests the storm is really moving on (once again).

I was trying to chalk it up to that ever-incessant female issue that continues to ravage my insides every month that makes me feel like I have to turn a new leaf.. over and over again.  But it wasn’t.  That shit doesn’t last that long and I had the right to believe it was something more.

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Not like anyone really cared (that much).  True Daria response mechanism. 

Was I born to follow in her footsteps??  As much as I tried to be the nice girl, I still often fall back into the hands of this trench coat wearing, emo nerd glasses sporting, 90s wench sarcastic spouting spawn of the 90s.  And the fact is – I will never be the Jane.  That’s almost TOO true to fathom, that maybe I won’t.. for a while.

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I hate to say I’m “struggling” just because “the struggle is real” and we all like to talk about it.  Life is too busy, too stressful, too this, too that.. and frankly, my dear – you know the rest.  But the fact therein lies that with this kind of attitude I’ll fail to keep any kind of social circle because I reduce my life to a lost and meaningless piece of rubble (at times).

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No hope..

That’s where I rip off the Daria cover and shout, “but there is hope!!”.  I don’t go away that easily.  My life has to mean something, and that’s probably the only thing keeping me going. That, and pizza.

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And then.. with hope leading the way, I will work on my better days.  They are here and I’ve come out of the other end, but that dark tunnel is always off in the distance.  Beckoning my inner Daria, slowly drawing the veil of darkness of which I cannot hide – only face head on and know I can break through it.

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~sincerely, dari(rah)~

My Storm is in the Distance

Happy, sad, lonely, amused, depressed, eager, angry, hurt, silly, cool, awkward,worthless, shy, outgoing, funny, dumb, sad.. sad sad sad. 

I’ve felt the pain of life. Not just in one or two traumatic experiences, but from the woes of life itself. I’ve felt each of those emotions in a time where I should be perfectly happy. Specifically sadness, which has been noted throughout my life by others, especially boyfriends. And I’m aware of this, too. But the power of the darkness – which is what I call it; You can call it depression or anxiety or whatever you want to call it – can overcome me. 

The aching pain sits heavy in my heart, my stomach and my upper thighs. I notice I have a tendency to move my toes a lot, almost digging into the ground kind of motion. I hardly realize that I’m doing it. 

I was at the chiropractor the other day and mentioned how I have a tendency to walk fast, and she was already nodding. She said I’m going a mile a minute, but at least “someone is awake around here”. Ha. 

I can do a post with Wet Hot gifs because I was having fun with it, but in reality just needed to talk about the real thing that’s bothering me lately. Yes, it’s stress, but my stress recently has been because I feel like the people around me have been making me feel pain by their actions… or more accurately, their non-actions. 

I am basically disappointed in people. 

More than ever. I feel like Chad on the Bachelorette this season. Challenging the situation, not wanting to deal with anyone, just do what I came to do and get the hell out of there. And I also feel disliked (in two particular situations – too many women in this office, damn it). It’s because we just don’t mesh well and I get it, but the conversations are annoying and awkward. I just want to life my life without having to watch out for eggshells all the time. Or nut cases. Or a plain old BITCH. 

Well, that got interesting. I don’t want to say it, but I’m just going to say it – I’m going to try my darnedest to write daily this summer. My goal is to be honest here about my emotional struggles because that is what motivates me to write and create. But I also like to be happy. Don’t we all. So when I get pulled so deep down I’m just fighting my way to find the light again. 

And I’ve found it. For now. I took the Cube test that’s been going around on Facebook and it was incredibly accurate. My storm was far off in the distance and the light is here now. 

(Find out your cube story at Buzz Feed Video on Facebook.)

Also – THIS.

Looking for that wet, hot, American summer..

If I’m recalling my memories correctly, the time around June 1st every year is usually a stressful one..


Yep, it’s all coming back to me now.  Whether it’s good or bad stress, it’s particularly noticeable stress.  The kind of stress that throws out my back or causes migraines or the involuntary breakdown –


-(and no, not the kind that rides on crimson waves).

Meaning – I’ve fallen into a particular rut of stress and laziness, where the idea of doing fitness or eating well is beyond me.


The problem is, it stemmed from being a healthy human being.  I get comfortable, I feel good, and then I get lazy.  I’ll get back on track, I say.  I’ll work out in the morning (after these few glasses of wine), I say.


But in my mind, I say a lot of things.  I let myself be persuaded (by other people, by my mind, by commercials, snapchat)…


But today IS June 1st, and while it’s one of my better days lately (how sad), the stress level recently was considerable.  I just came back from vacation and it all came tumbling down. Granted, it was already starting to crumble ON vacation (or maybe even before vacation..) so it started to collide when I came back to the “same old shit” at work.  Work is good, actually, but I was not.  My back was literally out of whack from the bed at our vacation home, and sitting on a plane for almost 6 hours, an Uber for another 45 minutes, then our car ride home for another 30 minutes completely effed my back.  That, and minimal exercise on vacation.  Plus food.. plus..


It was time for a cleanse.


Not that kind!  I’m an avid bather.

More like mind, body and soul. 


AKA I need to figure this shit out.  I’m not getting any younger..


So there you have it.  June 1st has come and is about to be gone, so I can breathe a little easier.  The wet, hot, American summer I’M going to have is going to be because I’ll be workin’ it.  And it might just be hot, too… and on American soil..


Peace out, June 1st.

Automatic Response

I’m presenting a newsletter at work today and was thinking about how my spiel would go. It’s like giving a presentation in class, except I volunteered to do this. Still nervous.

Of course I’m thinking about what I’ll say and how to say it. I know I have a tendency to ramble, so it’s extremely important for me to pull this off. I’ve been in plays, debate and other performances. All of which I felt like I never wanted to do these things. My stomach twists in agony, then flutters into butterflies. I already have a hard time having a decent conversation with people in regular social situations.. although I have to admit I’m way better than I used to be. It’s easier now. Which is probably why I chose to speak up. It’s part of my job now, something I should technically do. If I don’t speak up, I won’t get recognized. And I’m good at my job.

So then I just read this:

Pisces Horoscope : WEDNESDAY, MAY 25, 2016

Your intuition is on fire today and you are driven to make sure that everyone around you shares in your vision. However, explaining yourself in great detail won’t muster the support you seek. In fact, even your most dependable allies may grow weary of your long and rambling monologue. Don’t wait for someone’s eyes to glaze over before you stop talking because by then it will be too late. Be concise; say what you mean and move on.

My horoscope. Often right on whether I read it in the morning or at night. YOU just read what I wrote before I read the horoscope, how is that not spot on?

This is why I’m writing this morning. To get the excess thoughts out of my mind before my presentation. Nutterguff. (<– a word I made up in junior year of high school. lol)
Nutterguff is my mind, excess thoughts. It’s really a clusterfuck in there sometimes, because the thoughts are just emotionally driven from all the vibes I keep pulling in from people ALL day. When they walk by, how they respond, how they approach you. The automatic response in an office becomes so robotic. How are you, good/fine, good/bad weather, cake in the kitchen, see ya later. Spreadsheets, screenings, yadda yadda yadda. This newsletter is a fun project for me to dig deeper into this robo humans, the ones I never hang out with. And display my writing and communication skills. Why not? Just keep it concise – always my goal.

Aloha on my Mind – Day 1

Aloha!  And also Hello, and Salutations on this lovely May Saturday er, Sunday afternoon.  I’m not sure how long the Aloha spirit will live within me here in Southern California, so I intend to insert the shaka vibe wherever I see fit.

It’s been one week since we’ve come back from our tropical vacation in the paradise of Maui.  I want to write about each day, because it was a glorious seven long days to soak in paradise.

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I let my hair air dry almost everyday and wore minimal makeup (that’s  a paradise in itself.. I forgot how tans help you wear less gunk!).  We woke to digital-like squawking birds every morning and walked among darting lizards in the driveway.  Sea snails clung to the side of our rental house, delicate white cranes bobbed about the Bougainvillea bushes and fully ripe mangoes fell from the trees.  The mountains above us pocketed clouds like candy, while the voluminous sea below sat in various blue and green gradients which translated to aqua.  Sailboats and cruisers dotted the shore, only made to look even smaller by the incredibly large and buoyant cruise ship parked just off shore from Lahaina – a small town in West Maui.  Our rental house sat in the hills just above it.  Like the Blackhawk of Maui (my Danville peeps will understand that one).

Day 1

Sometimes, the story starts before you think the vacation has actually begun.  That’s what happened with us.  The entire trip involved 6 persons.  Me, Eddie (my BF/fiance), Stacy (Eddie’s sister), Mike (Stacy’s BF), Linda & Basil (Eddie & Stacy’s parents).  A family affair!  Oh boy!  The parents would be flying out of San Francisco, and us out of LA.  So the 4 of us got up early Monday morning to Uber to the airport for an 8am flight.  Monday…. morning….

Uber should be the least of our worries, besides the fact that we had 4 people and 4 people’s luggage.  But we packed in that Prius nicely and the driver seemed accommodating and friendly.  We piled in, and quickly realized there was Monday morning LA traffic.  The ride suddenly got a lot longer, when our Uber driver started to tell his stories about people he’s picked up so far (6 weeks of driving so far).  Everything began to get incredibly uncomfortable as we realized how BAD of a storyteller this guy was.  That, and I was right in his line of sight from his rear view mirror.  There was a lot of “ums” and “so” and “k“, that I kept chuckling in embarrassed agony, while grimacing every time he took too long too stop the car on more than one occasion.  The awkward silence eventually clued in the driver (after about 40 minutes of terrible stories), and he finally cut off his last tale with “I think I’m tired of telling stories now”.  We all couldn’t be more relieved to get out of that car and start with the airport bullshit.  Which ensued seamlessly with Eddie having to check his normal carry-on bag.  Even so, we somehow still made it through security faster than Mike and Stacy.  Victory!  We were one of the last to board the plane..

(6 hours later)

After multiple movies and light beers later, we got off the plane stiff, a bit groggy, maybe a bit smelly.. but still ready to really start our Hawaiian adventure..!   But first – we had to get our bags, shuttle to the rental car, go to Costco and load up on food and drinks for the week, THEN drive 40 minutes to our final destination – a private paradise in the hills of Lahaina.

I meeeeaaannnn…



Holy moly.  We were in heaven.

Pickin’ Avocados in the backyard orchard!


Eddie and I had a few friends who live in this paradise, those lucky ducks.  They came to visit us on the first night for our celebratory feast to break in the house.  We have some amazing cooks in the house, who whipped up bacon wrapped scallops and grilled asparagus.  Don Julio joined the party later and we partied into the warm, tropical night.  The first day was indeed – one for the books.

Aloha.  Day deux coming soon…

Been Strugglin’

I mean what I say and I say what I mean…

And when I say nothing at all, that’s exactly as it seems.

A post, a tweet, a snap, and so it leans…

into my existence, a reality un-schemed.

I could write rhymes all day, 

but I don’t, why say?

All the things I’m thinking, the rights of my way..

40 characters or less, get real – OK?

The struggle is real.

There’s truth in the fight.

I’m not fighting for meals, or living on wheels, 

I’m just living for the fight to feel.

I want to write..

I want to chase the light.

And, when I know that it’s right..

I’ll rest, I’ll relax, I’ll think I just might

move forward

with my life

and move the struggle to a different delight.